to come out or not to come out, THAT is the question

Continuing in the “asking the B questions” line of writing, I offer the following question posed by a friend. He is one of the most wonderful people I have met in the blog-o-sphere, ever. If I ever question why I should continue to write (so few blog readers, when do I have the time, etc.) its meeting people like this.

My friend writes something like this (full disclosure: this is totally paraphrased for anonymity):

“In my life, I have always identified as straight. However, this is not the only way I could identify. I’ve had exactly two sexual partners in my life:  one male, and one female.

I am definitely turned on by the idea of sex with guys; I fantasize about it sometimes. However, there’s no doubt that the vast majority of people I find physically attractive are women. Add to that the fact that I’m married, so the only person I’m actually going to be physically intimate with happens to be my wife. I’ve always identified as straight, even though it would be reasonable for me to identify as bisexual. One reason I’ve never identified as bisexual is that I don’t feel as if I’ve earned it, or would ever have to earn it.  I’ve been happily married for a long time [17+ years]. I’ve never had to suffer any social consequences for my bisexuality, and at this point it seems a little like ‘so what?’ As you know I am a strong and vocal “A”, but I wonder: Do you think it would be helpful for me to identify as bi?”

I think it depends. It depends on what you mean by helpful. It depends on what coming out would mean to you, to your spouse, to your life, community of friends and family. And helpful: to whom? Not to point out the obvious, but YOU matter most. Would YOU find it helpful to YOU?

The other piece in discerning your identity and whether or not to come out that I find interesting is about the prospect of actual intimacy (being in an opposite gender marriage and all),  and how your fantasy and past experience might fit in. What is the role or meaning of same gender fantasy in discerning how one would identify? Does choosing lifelong monogamy—which allows you to pass as straight—devalue or change your identity (if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck—but sometimes it is a swan)? How much—if at all—does our past experience determine our sexual identity? 

For me, identity is wrapped up in my past sexual and emotional relationships; I couldn’t ever turn my back on what has been. My first lover was a man, but my first kiss was a woman. My past—though not a definition of who I am—helps me to remember where I have been, what lessons I have learned, what to lean into and what to avoid. God willing I will have and hold Sweetie till death do we part, but this does not make me a lesbian though I sure could pass as one.

I find it “helpful” to be out because it is just as much a part of my identity as anything else. I am out because it is important for ME to be out. It’s helpful because I don’t like playing the pronoun game when referring to my spouse. I want to give light to what it might look like to be a faithful, monogamous bisexual (that is not to say that monogamy is the “right” way to be in relationship, it is just the right way for my partner and I). I am out so that I can be a friend and resource to those who aren’t out.

Coming out is not an easy or pretty process. Because of the state of our world, it is still a huge risk; financially, emotionally, socially, spiritually. If you were to consider it, I’d only advise to tread lightly, with support from loved ones. You would of course have my unwavering support, for what its worth.

Coming out is one of the most important things I have ever done. The long and short is that yes, if you think you are able to come out, I think you should. The more people who can step in the fray, not as allies but as queer, the better our community is. We are more whole when we are out, honest, together.

  … to be continued

Q&A the B: questions for a bisexual

Every once in a while a brave friend dares to ask me a pretty direct question about my identity as a bisexual. And I’ll let you in on a secret—I like it when people do. I thought for the next little while I might do a little Q&A like I did before, and write about some questions that have been asked of me.

 

If you are bisexual, how do you satisfy your longings in a relationship that only one desire is fulfilled? Since the two of you wed, have you given up the fact that you will ever be fulfilled by a man?

 

I have come to believe there are all sorts of bisexuals in the world. I am one kind, and trust me—do a google search—there are plenty of others. I am a monogamous bisexual. I have never had a longing for both male and female intimacy concurrently. I have longed for intimacy, period. I have cheated on one partner of one gender, with another gender person, but that was just cheating, and avoiding hard conversations by having sex and looking for greener grass (horrible ugly truth).

The fact that I am attracted to both / any gender is I think the distinguishing factor in my bisexuality. I know that I am different from many bisexuals. For some, its a delicate negotiation of asking for non-monogamy and open relationships. For some, it is a secret that is hidden from the primary relationship. For some, it is never discovered, and is only lived out through fantasy or in their minds eye. And for some, it is polyamory, and the list goes on and on.

You ask if I have “given up” being fulfilled by a man. The truth is I don’t ever wake up longing for a penis, or a vagina for that matter. If I were to miss anything—which I don’t—I’d miss the big strong all encompassing hugs, the smell of my former partners big hairy chest, and other aspects of a former partners that I loved about them specifically—not about their sex or gender. I fall in love with people, not their gender or sexual identity.

Simply put: I just don’t miss the other gender in my marriage. I love my partner dearly, she is my beloved, the love of my life, my spouse, the one I tell all my secrets to, the one I hope to die with. If my beloved were to die before me, and somehow I found my way to being able to consider intimacy again, I am not sure if the future partner would be male or female. I only know they would have HUGE shoes to fill.

questions and answers: come out come out

Recently I answered the following question for a friend of a friend. The context: they were looking for someone to interview about generally the topic of homosexuality, and specifically within youth ministry and the evangelical church. I thought myself quite clever, but have spent more time thinking about it and would love your thoughts. There is, of course, much more to it, but maybe not?

Q: Say I have a youth group member who has “come out” and decided to tell me: what are some things I should do and should not do?

A: Love them. Like any other kid, love them. Help them love themselves, know they are loved, protect them from harm and danger. Give them resources to care for their bodies and souls. Tell them they are beautiful and loved by God. Give them opportunities to see what God is calling them to do with the gifts they have been given. In short, treat them like any other kid. Because the fact is, they are just another child of God. Whole, beautiful and loved.

I just don’t view being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender as being an “other” – any different than a kid who is left handed or has red hair and freckles. Its just another gift in my eyes. The sooner we can set aside our differences in Christ, we can focus on what binds us together in Christ; love. The kind that passes all understanding, comprehension or reason.

I am bisexual, my point of view is perhaps a bit different than my gay, lesbian and transgender friends. I believe and act on the belief that people are created in God’s image, not mine. They are whole and beautiful, male and female and in some cases have multiple genders. I believe humankind is meant to do God’s work in the way they have been gifted and called. Our role as the church is to walk along side of people and hold up the God mirror to them, to bless and celebrate what God has done in God’s people.