Day 3 into my life as a non-smoker. They say every day after this is just all in your head.
For some reason today I have begun to mourn the loss of my old self – the smoker.
My first cigarette was a Paul Mall – filterless – at age 8 or 9 maybe? My and my next door neighbor stole it from a friend of my dads and we hid smoked it in a neighbors yard. It was rude. I would not touch another smoke until I was 14. I can’t remember who got me started – I am pretty sure it was my first boyfriend, Mark. He was so cool, such a bad boy. "Marlboro lights in a box please" he would say after filling up with gas in his car. He was older, and never got carded. We used to sit up – watch movies – and smoke. Looking back – I should have put more time into my studies instead of blowing all that smoke.
I joined the military a year after high school – long story – wow I have changed. This was the first time I quit smoking. The only time it was easy. It’s hard to crave something when you are getting your ass kicked and your body and brain re-programmed. I took up the lung cookie again, for the #1 most stupid reason to start smoking: they were so cheap at the Px. Like 6 bucks a carton. So dumb.
The next time I quit was for Tim. He said he wouldn’t marry me if I didn’t quit. So – I went out and got some Wellbutrin – went half crazy out of my mind – and turned into a total psycho girlfriend for a while – but it worked. For 3 years. Then, he broke MY rule. No hard drugs. Deal breaker numero uno. I found out he was doing blow again – we tried to work it out – but – we failed to do so. The day we broke up – I ran right out (in my anger and I’m-gonna-show-you attitude) and bought smokes.
I had dreams last night, all of which I was a chain smoker, which I have never been. It seems like every time I look up at the clock, it is the exact time that I used to take my smoke breaks. There has been one very helpful post that I found last night. I found her by surfing around Antony’s links. She is Martha, Martha and her plea to stop smoking stopped me in my tracks.
I have not ever lost someone, or watched anyone go through what it looks like to be killed by smoking/lung cancer. I hope I never do. And, I hope that by stopping now I can increase my chances of not exiting stage right this way. I can think of a million other ways to go that sound like more fun.
On New Years Day – I watched Good Night, and Good Luck, a great film where EVERYONE smokes. I am reading Blue Like Jazz, a great book, and I am sure that noone else would recall, but even in reading a book – people are smoking. I am blown away by how much I see it now. I wish I would have never started – cause this is just no fun.
But today – I am not smoking. And this, hard as it may seem, is a very good thing. (the constant dialog in my head says…Yes, very good, not bad at all. Smoking is bad, there is nothing cool or sexy about it. It smells, R! You don’t want to be a stinky stinkerson all your life!)
*breathe* *Stretch* God, thanks for hanging in there with me. Help me to see the me you see, so that I can believe that she really does exist. Yours, always. Amen.