Last night was TAAP night, Theology and a Pint, one of my favorite nights of the month (Although getting me there last night was like pulling teeth, I was not "in the mood"). I don’t often report on it – but it seems to have triggered some crazy dreams, some really wacky energy, and some great ideas.
The topic was discipline. And friends, I lack it. One of the questions that really got me thinking was "what gets in your way of (spiritual) discipline for you?" The answer welled up in me out of some place I have not visited for a long time. "Fear" I told my group, feeling the emotions trying to make their way to my tear ducts. Afraid of being found out – for being a faker and poser. Fear of rejection, afraid to go something alone, to fail – again and again – like every other time I have tried something new.
The topic felt very relevant to me, particularly in Lent. We talked about many of the disciplines or practices that one might take up during Lent; bible study, exercise,fasting, abstaining, tithing, and others. I am visiting Ship-of-Fools site for inspiration and help with Lent, but if I had to be really
honest, yet again, I am the Teflon of stick-to-it-iveness. There has not been much action on my part. I know that, like the gym, once I get there I will feel good. Once I take something up – I can build on it. My sweeties group spent time talking about how we need to be better at identifying what we DO do, and spend less time beating ourselves up about what we DON’T do.
I still have yet to dedicate some time to the emotions about all of this. Although – the emotions made their way to me in dreams last night. I dreamt that (ok – I am really going out on a vulnerable limb here – it WAS a dream) I was working in ministry with Doug Pagitt. That I was happy, learning, being encouraged to be a sponge for the Holy Spirit leadings. That I was working on a team, helping, using my giftedness and passion for ministry – helping.
I know, that if I want to change, my situation, my body, my relationship with Jesus, and/or the church, I have to do the work. Maybe it can start with prayer. I plan to spend more time on this – but wanted to just barf some of this out.
What does the meaning and word discipline mean for you?