a whole lot of death

A week ago my friend Darci’s life long friend – Chiquita – died after a long struggle with various kitty illness’. The priest from the church I belong to – her dad died, my friend J’s brother – died. Our friends dad died – a great man – Ray. We attended the funeral. It was an amazing life celebrated, polka reception and all.

DayofthedeadYou would have to know me, and I don’t have the time, emotional fortitude or finger strength to get the background to this news out – the news that my mom’s dad, Zane, died last night. Grandfather, grandpa – NO. It seems like a stretch to even call him my mom’s dad/father. But, that is what he was.

I got the message from my uncle, Mike. The phone rang as I was driving home in this gorgeous snow event we are having. I didn’t recognize the number (and never talk and drive, ha) and did not pick up the call. My uncle Mike, has not called me in my whole life. It was heartwarming to hear his voice.

He was very matter of fact, noting that there would not be any service, no difficult decisions for those of us left in his wake of his disruptive and destructive life to make – to go or not to go, that will not be a question. My uncle stumbled over his words. We are not a tight family, for some of us we are just learning how to be family.

Its strange, my sister noted that it is sad, to have a life end, and not celebrate it – note it somehow. I guess this is me, noting it.

Goodbye Zane. I am sorry I never had the opportunity to know your better side, assuming you had one. I am sorry that you died with the shame of what you had done for and to my family. I can only hope that in death you can finally be free, from your illness, your awfulness that ripped so many of us apart. Mostly, my mom.

God, I would pray right now, but I ask that your Holy Spirit intercede for me here, ’cause I just don’t have it in me. My heart hurts, but for anger and confusion and a strange sense of joy at a life gone, most likely totally unaware of the amazing pain he has caused. God – I put him, my heart, and my family – whether they want to be or not – in your heart. Come, come and sit with me while I struggle to look myself in the mirror for feeling as shit-ass as I do about your child – my mom’s dad- Zane. In your mercy. Amen.

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4 thoughts on “a whole lot of death

  1. Oh sweetie…I am so very sorry. Difficult time of the year to deal with all of that.
    I celebrate the fact that you are here because (in a small part) of him.
    I hate to think what life might have been without you.

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