This is the big MD week – the lead up to and all the commercials for Mothers Day. Normally I am in some state of utter depression and at moments, even hostility about the whole holiday. This year is feeling different. For those of us who have lost our Moms, and the day brings up profound grief, well its not something I have looked forward to. As mentioned in previous posts, this year it also corresponds with the date (closely, not exactly) we found my mother, deceased, May 9, 2005. It also happens to fall on my favorite church holiday, Pentecost, the day of fire and Spirit.
Maybe it is no coincidence this year.
I have been conflicted – to go to church and risk the blending of Gospel, Acts and some weird mixing in of Mothers Day – or skip it.
A few years ago, after a painful separation and break-up, my good friends encouraged me to do a ‘ritual’ burning of letters and items that belonged to this relationship. One night we gathered on the back parking lot, and built a fire of memories. We said prayers for the person, for me, lit the items, tended to their burning, and watched in silence. I will never forget this gift my friends gave me. I still think of this person, and care for this person deeply. But something in this act allowed me to let it go – let her go.
With Pentecost being associated with fire, the descending of the Holy Spirit and the giving of gifts, I would like to think, believe this may be my year to receive a new gift, of letting go, of healing, of releasing.
On a separate but related note, in thinking about all of this, I have been listening to the "Once" soundtrack again. I am going to see The Swell Season (the Once folks) tonight. One of my favorite moments in the movie is when the girl goes to get some batteries for the walkman to listen to the tape the guy has given her. She’s out and about, walking in her slippers, and singing a song. She sings "If You Want Me."
The lyrics go:
Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
For it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs
If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me
Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
You know I really try
To be a better one to satisfy you for you’re everything to me
And I do what you ask me
If you let me be free
I began to think about this song, and my mom, and our relationship, so strong, haunting, troubled and sad. I hear Marketa’s voice and almost always begin to tear. There is just so much there.
I think this is more than this post, and now I need a tissue.
to be continued…