Marking Time

The world is swirling with energy and coincidence (if you believe in coincidences).

3 years ago today, my phone rang. It was my dad calling to tell me that it had not yet been confirmed, but stay close to the phone, "they’re pretty sure its your mom." It was.

Today begins Lemuria, the feast day of the ancient Romans, who each year beginning on this day, would throw around black beans and exorcise their dead family and loved ones. Check out the facinating wiki about it here.

Three years ago, I began a process of deep shift, from daughter of a missing person to daughter of Anne White (Chaffee, Swan), deceased.

I mentioned the song "If You Want Me" sung by Marketa Irglova along with her band The Swell Season the other day. She sings it in the movie ‘Once’ in a stunning little scene. Check the scene out from my post 2 days ago. I mentioned that I have been listening to the lyrics, and they have been hitting me, just… so. I think its the soul in her voice, and after seeing them the other night, there is just something about them. I hear something, beyond, from beyond. Listen.

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
for it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore

I have a picture of my mom up at my cube, I don’t know what I would do if we did not have pictures, and if I did not have little notes from her, to look at her handwriting. Its funny, I can hear her voice still, just by looking at her handwriting. Sometimes I wonder… if she visits me. Some days she feels closer than ever. But its like I don’t speak her language anymore, and I wish I did. Open me Lord, give me the gift of tongues, if only to speak her language, so I can tell her how much I miss her.

When I get really lonely
and the distance causes our silence
I think of you smiling
with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

When I get lonely, I still think of her first. I felt as a kid, no matter what happened to me, all I had to do was think of my mom, call her, and I knew I was not alone. It has been hard getting used to the silence of our distance.

Are you really sure that you’d believe me
when others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
when you know I really try
to be a better one to satisfy you
For your everything to me
and I’ll do what you ask me
if you’ll let me be, free

My relationship with my mom had a big fat owee in the middle of it. It was her husband. These first two lines, make me think of when I told her what had happened to me. In cases of abuse – so often it comes down to ‘he said – she said’, and asking her to believe me, to stand by me, was really hard. For her, and for me. I knew she always stood by me in her heart, but she also had to make some very difficult and what I believe to be ill equipped choices in her life.

When she was out of it sometimes, she would question me. Question what happened to me by her husband. I knew it wasn’t her speaking, it was the alcohol. But in some of those moments, the anger of all that happened to me, to her, by him, by her family – all got swirled up, messed up, and even sometimes was pointed right at me. Do you believe me mom? I only wanted to make you and your life better, to satisfy that place that was so deeply mis-loved. I would have done whatever you asked – so that we both could be free. Can I be free now mom? Can I let go, and just know that you are here, and we are not working any of our shit out anymore? Can you show me that you are free, in peace. Help me to hear you today, I pray.

Mothers Day, Pentecost, Lemuria, anniversary. Bless it Lord, in your mercy.


5 thoughts on “Marking Time

  1. This is one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever written. The play between story-song-prayer is amazingly constructed and takes your reader on the ride.
    Beautiful! There is so much power & healing in words (I hope!)

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