where you been?

(from Verse and Voice today)

Show me a dreamer and I’ll show you one of God’s
heartbeats for the human race

Joan Chittister

Lately, with too much stuff coming into my inbox, the verse and voice seems to get the delete button, without much of a second look or thought. Not today.

"Where you been Swandive?" you ask yourself.

"Dreaming," I would reply.

"What cha' dreaming about?" you ask.

Well, all sorts of stuff. Like about November 5th, you know, the day the ads and debates and politic'ing goes away. I have been dreaming about what it would be like to be rid of my anxieties and fears. I have been dreaming about what meeting all sorts of new people lately is about. I have been dreaming about the upcoming wintertime, and the fires in the fireplace, and the nights looking up at the stars with my beloved from the hot tub.

I have been dreaming about my new "job", and where it might lead me/us. (New job but also have not left my existing one, because, well, much longer story there. But I still am at regular 9-5 m-f gig.) I've been dreaming about winning the lottery.

I have been dreaming about my place in Gods world, exactly created as I am: a freakishly passionate gal, with a heart big enough to warm a 12×12 room (at least) but riddled with fear and insecurity and trying not to show that side of me, and just put the energy out there that I am, IN FACT, all that. Its very exhausting, being me.

The quote today reminds me, that God loves me, a dreamer, where and how I am today, because or inspite of exactly who I am. And that, my friends, is a good thing.


6 thoughts on “where you been?

  1. If I were looking to date online & this was posted, I’d do anything possible to go on a date with you! Beautiful, intriguing, open, abundant, thoughtful, smart, mysterious, seeker-y, wow wow wow wow.
    I love you more than I ever knew I was capable of! : )

  2. Why NOT show that side of you? That fear and insecurity is in us ALL. Every single one of us.
    Through sharing your fear and insecurity, we get to see the REAL you. Moments of sharing like that where people are REAL and vulerable, is where we can all relate. Where we all find common ground.
    I’m afraid I’ll never be the kind of husband my wife deserves.
    I’m afraid I’ll never be the father that my children(someday) deserve, that I will be an utter failure as a parent/father.
    I’m afraid that I’ll never be good enough at my job, and that I’ll get fired.
    Rather than hiding it, and in effect cowering from it internally, I use the fear as motivation, as power to transform. My fear shows me my faults, and in so doing gives me the power to change those faults.
    I don’t always succeeed. In fact, I almost always fail. But the fear gives me the motivation to try, try, and try again.
    No mater how much YOU are afraid of everyone else in the world(what they might think), or afraid of your own failure, there are 6 billion people in the world just as afraid of YOU and their own failure. You are one incrediably powerful woman, You have 6 billion people afraid of YOU.
    Love and POWER to you!

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