Is there a doctor in the house?

Well, after my last post things have, in fact, been more quiet. I have shut up (at least a little bit).

Sweetie and I are blissfully, wonderfully, unscheduled and on a staycation/holiday break/hey-who-is-crispy-and-needs-some-down-time-yeah-its-me-cation. We are huddled up on the sofa, sleeping late, thrift store dwelling, and reading, reading, and reading. I have been visiting my favorite blogs, lurking mostly as usual, getting ready for Blog Comment Day which is tomorrow.

I am reading The Great Emergence by Phyllis Tickle, Take this Bread by Sara Miles and just finished Salvation on the Small Screen by the beautiful and fabulous Nadia Bolz-Weber. Wow, quite the smart lady line up. Totally not intentional, but really enjoy reading and connecting with the female voices that are swirling about in my brain. Each of these books I should, hope to and want to write a longer blog post about. If I don't – they are for sure on my you really should pick up a copy or ask to borrow mine reading list. All amazing. (And I am off to see them in Memphis, tomorrow.)

I feel like I am in the midst of something, and I am not sure what. Its like a sizemic shift of sorts, with a lot less drama and no discernable event to pin it on. I feel like the direction I am moving in is good, but am having a hard time letting go, forgiving myself (and others) of the past. I long to be a fresh slate, but at 37 that feels hardly possible, and besides there is some stuff that I really like about who I am. So, here are some of the symptoms that are presenting themselves, is there a doctor in the house?

  • The cold weather is rolling in and it seems all of the sudden I have permission to sit still, read and look a bit inward. I love it, and am feeling plagued by it.
  • I have been really good about getting on the elliptical at least every 3 days. Thats HUGE. And well, so am I, and I am over it.
  • Some days when reading over facebook, I literally have to beat the notion out of my head that I am the last kid standing on the playground, still left not being picked. I know that this is NOT true, and I tell myself this endlessly.
  • I love my new little church. I know I know, I have said it before. But remember, this is coming from the girl who has been engaged to be married – count em – 5 times before it finally stuck. But this church community *ugh* I am smitten. I have a crush. They are kind and sweet and adorable, and best of all they think I am too. (You like me? You really like me?)
  • Been seeing Doc Susan, who moves my Qi. She is brilliant and my body is beginning to respond to whatever was stuck. And something is/was stuck.
  • Heading into the season of over-packed schedules and frantic life, I am calm. At least I am right now. I think I can maintain this. I think it will take work and some hard conversations and more work to keep it this way, but I feel confident that this is the best thing for now.
  • I have thoughts, almost every day, about how much I wish I were different: I wish I were cooler, I wish I was not so flakey. I wish I had more money, I wish I could take care of the people I love better. I wish I were about 50 pounds lighter, I wish I could do something, anything, and stick to it. And then each day – I tell that asshole in my head – I can.

So tell me doctor – what is the diagnosis and is there a cure?

Come, come, whoever you are.

Wanderer, worshipper, lover of living, it doesn't matter

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come even if you have broken your vow a thousand times,

Come, yet again, come, come.

    Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi (Sufi master)

12 thoughts on “Is there a doctor in the house?

  1. Different? Why in the world? You are who I love. Everything that you are is what makes up you and what makes me more and more smitten each and every day. I would not change a thing about you.
    Except for the miles between us.

  2. Rachel, you wonderfully and specifically describe our shared human condition. If humans could be honest, they would find themselves in your reflection… This, sadly, may be why you may often feel like the kid left alone on the playground. Most would rather be left alone to keep playing the game. The kids who want to think about the process of the games we play can find themselves on the outside looking in….no matter how weird, I’d rather be with those who are curious about the human process. I’m standing next to you, watching the games. Let’s hold hands 🙂

  3. Oooh, I’ve read two of those books (smart women, indeed) and loved them. Haven’t read The Great Emergence.
    But glad to know I am not the only one who feels, at times, like that kid on the playground. Thanks for the great post.

  4. This doctor says turn those wish statements around from what you don’t want to what you do want.
    Broken record broken record broken record la la la la la.
    I still have to work on it every day, but my science experiment with the law of attraction and a mindset of “I CAN have what I want!” is what brought you in to my life, so I’m sold!
    And I love you just as you are more than you know, so … ask the doctor all you want but listen to your heart–and mine : )

  5. Rachel… I’ve been reading evening prayer for Advent, and here are the words to the opening psalm each night:
    I call upon you, O Lord; come quickly to me;
    give ear to my voice when I call to you.
    Let my prayer be counted as incense before you,
    and the lifting up of my hands as an evening sacrifice.
    Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord;
    keep watch over the door of my lips.
    This reminds me of your previous post… and it sounds as if it’s a prayer already answered…
    Peace to you!

  6. Oh what a wonderful post. The doctor says: you would not be the lovely glorious slate you are if you were a fresh one.
    And your comment about Facebook made me laugh – as you know I recently joined and every time I’ve contacted someone to say “be my friend” I’ve been plagued by thoughts that they won’t want to.
    Human condition indeed!
    And I hadn’t heard that particular piece of Rumi. I absolutely adore it – may have to borrow it…

  7. *sigh* Rae, how I adore you.
    But re: being picked…you’re standing there, wondering why there aren’t many people in front of you to “pick” you, nervously chewing a nail, shifting your weight from foot to foot.
    Look behind you, love. Your team is already assembled.

  8. i love the honesty in this blog post, rachel. but remember not to be so hard on yourself. we are all carrying around crosses, it’s just that some of us are better at hiding it. 🙂

  9. I have thoughts, almost every day, about how much I wish I were different:
    If you were different, you wouldn’t be YOU, and we love YOU.
    I wish I were cooler..uh, you live in Minnesota..if you were any cooler, you’d be in the Artic!
    I wish I was not so flakey.
    Flakey isn’t a bad thing. It show you have discriminating tastes..and tastes change! *lol*
    I wish I had more money
    What would you do with the money? Buy things? They are just THINGS. Buy things for other people? They are still just THINGS. Money is just a THING.
    I wish I could take care of the people I love better.
    Define “better”? And then tell me why you CAN’T do that? Seems it’s not a wish, but a mission statement in the making.
    I wish I were about 50 pounds lighter
    And then there would be less of you to love…and we love ALL of you, even that 50 lbs!
    I wish I could do something,f anything, and stick to it.
    See mission statement comment above.
    Love you dearie!

Comments are closed.