Well, after my last post things have, in fact, been more quiet. I have shut up (at least a little bit).
Sweetie and I are blissfully, wonderfully, unscheduled and on a staycation/holiday break/hey-who-is-crispy-and-needs-some-down-time-yeah-its-me-cation. We are huddled up on the sofa, sleeping late, thrift store dwelling, and reading, reading, and reading. I have been visiting my favorite blogs, lurking mostly as usual, getting ready for Blog Comment Day which is tomorrow.
I am reading The Great Emergence by Phyllis Tickle, Take this Bread by Sara Miles and just finished Salvation on the Small Screen by the beautiful and fabulous Nadia Bolz-Weber. Wow, quite the smart lady line up. Totally not intentional, but really enjoy reading and connecting with the female voices that are swirling about in my brain. Each of these books I should, hope to and want to write a longer blog post about. If I don't – they are for sure on my you really should pick up a copy or ask to borrow mine reading list. All amazing. (And I am off to see them in Memphis, tomorrow.)
I feel like I am in the midst of something, and I am not sure what. Its like a sizemic shift of sorts, with a lot less drama and no discernable event to pin it on. I feel like the direction I am moving in is good, but am having a hard time letting go, forgiving myself (and others) of the past. I long to be a fresh slate, but at 37 that feels hardly possible, and besides there is some stuff that I really like about who I am. So, here are some of the symptoms that are presenting themselves, is there a doctor in the house?
- The cold weather is rolling in and it seems all of the sudden I have permission to sit still, read and look a bit inward. I love it, and am feeling plagued by it.
- I have been really good about getting on the elliptical at least every 3 days. Thats HUGE. And well, so am I, and I am over it.
- Some days when reading over facebook, I literally have to beat the notion out of my head that I am the last kid standing on the playground, still left not being picked. I know that this is NOT true, and I tell myself this endlessly.
- I love my new little church. I know I know, I have said it before. But remember, this is coming from the girl who has been engaged to be married – count em – 5 times before it finally stuck. But this church community *ugh* I am smitten. I have a crush. They are kind and sweet and adorable, and best of all they think I am too. (You like me? You really like me?)
- Been seeing Doc Susan, who moves my Qi. She is brilliant and my body is beginning to respond to whatever was stuck. And something is/was stuck.
- Heading into the season of over-packed schedules and frantic life, I am calm. At least I am right now. I think I can maintain this. I think it will take work and some hard conversations and more work to keep it this way, but I feel confident that this is the best thing for now.
- I have thoughts, almost every day, about how much I wish I were different: I wish I were cooler, I wish I was not so flakey. I wish I had more money, I wish I could take care of the people I love better. I wish I were about 50 pounds lighter, I wish I could do something, anything, and stick to it. And then each day – I tell that asshole in my head – I can.
So tell me doctor – what is the diagnosis and is there a cure?
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of living, it doesn't matter
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come even if you have broken your vow a thousand times,
Come, yet again, come, come.
Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi (Sufi master)