Defining the words one chooses seems helpful, especially in the beginning of a conversation. Later it can be constraining and tedious. But I have been thinking it might be a good thing for me to talk about what bisexuality means to me. This is my definition, my context. It may not be true for others.
What it is not:
- In the beginning, when I was coming out to friends from high school and co-workers, I had this one friend who (strangely) only called me when he wanted me to “talk” to his wife, or more overtly, do it with them, both. Yes, he asked. For real.
- I am not a flexible, willy nilly, anything goes, hypersexual person. I do not wake up, say on a Monday, and think to myself “hmmmmm, I sure miss penile penetration and desire sex with a man soon.” Or the opposite. This has never occurred to me. Ever.
- I am not straight, and I am not a lesbian.
What it is:
- When considering love — emotional, sexual, physical, domestic, spiritual, etc. — I find both sexes to include captivating, breathtaking beauty.
- In relationships, I have found a deep connection with both men and women. Typically that connection has some sort of whole person / whole body story.
- My physical self is so interconnected with my understanding of the rest of me and how I relate to others that beauty and attraction is a heart, soul, gut, visceral, eye-to-the-soul thing.
What I struggle with is the word bisexual. I find it to be so claustrophobic. Limiting. Especially limited to “sexual.” I am more than my boobs and vagina and their relationship to the rest of me — and how they interact with my partner, now and past.
I think the wiki on bisexuality is helpful. There is one line:
“Unfortunately, bisexuals are often considered suspect by both homosexuals and heterosexuals because they are not recognized as being emotionally and physically committed to either a gay or lesbian existence, nor heterosexual society in general.”
Yep, that sums up my expereince. Always on the margins, neither accepted or understood. The “norm” always wanting to push you into one camp or another. And I will not go. I am a middler, via media, gray, the space between, neither here or there kind of gal.