Or perhaps the long title to this post might be the slightly off center, off my balance, random going on and on about whatever comes to mind. Be warned, this post may be raw, directionless and random.
Lately I have been waxing and waning between feeling strangely fine and completely out of my head. Some days are of course better than others, but some funky Lent-y darkish broody thing has got a hold on me and is not letting go. In my experience, it is better to sit and go through this time than to try and fake it and make it. So, now that you know, here are a few bits that have passed through my sight lines that I am find are propping my eyelids up a bit further.
First, some quotes.
An article posted on a friends page–an interesting read by Michael Spencer @ InternetMonk.com –garnered this response from a friend of his, and I thought it was a fascinating bit to chew on: “No need for exclusionary book clubs that never go beyond the same book,” his commentary on religion, specifically Christianity.
From Mark, a wonderful reminder and challenging call to heed that hit me squarely between the eyes: “Beware the path of rigid conviction, of being so certain that you are no longer open to reconciliation.”
From Bob, a question plaguing my daily thoughts “Why is the church more concerned about people who are ‘spiritual but not religious’ than those who are ‘religious but not spiritual’?”
Bringing me to tears:
Saw a production of “Godspell!” last Friday night, my beloveds co-worker was Judas. My mom directed this play at the school where she taught when I was oh so very young. This show, those people, are some of the very heart, the very reason why I love Jesus the way I do. Sitting there, just past the opening number, listening to the conch call, my breath vanished. All at once my grief–of losing my mom, of Lent and the upcoming Good Friday and my overwhelming joy, of connecting the story of Jesus to the story of my mom–well, it still just shatters me. It was moving in ways that I am still trying to grasp.
It seems almost daily my prayer to G-d is “seriously, what the?” I have no idea where I am headed, what I am supposed to be doing anymore. Most days I find myself insanely jealous of my friend Tina, who’s new blog is awesome and hilarious. I used to work with Tina, along with a bunch of other awesome people, whom I admire, miss, respect. They were once my family. Its lent and I just want to leave the church and its drama behind. I want to loosen these ropes that are tied to me and dance in a life I used to live in–but bring my beloved with me. I want her to see this image of me that I see, sometimes faintly in the rear view mirror. So very cancerian of me right?
Headed to San Fran this weekend to be with some Anglimergent peeps, asking questions, eating food and laughing. Laughing is always on the docket. Looking forward to it.
Beloved is reading our dear friend Nadia’s book (you should too). Her (my beloveds) laugh is … beyond words beautiful. (actually Nadia’s too)
Those two things above remind me that I have some really awesome friends in this G-d adventure, smart, funny, real, lovely. Its not all bad. Sometimes I just need to have a cry–you know?