this is my today

Today is the 4 year anniversary of when my mom was discovered, in the woods, just 5 minutes from where she disappeared from. Tomorrow is Mothers Day. I hurt. (If you have not read the story, you could read it all starting here.)

I don't post for sympathy, or because I need something–a kind word or prayer. Although each and every one helps, so thanks. I post this because my heart is hurting and I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes it just comes, like a flood across my eyeballs, the tears well and nothing I can do can make it stop. I can't stop the hurt. I can just get through it. I feel restless. And angry. Ripped off and all at the same time grief stricken for all of those people in my life now who have never met her. Like my beloved.

I have some motherless daughters friends. They are having brunch tomorrow. Maybe I will join them. I don't know.

I am beside myself not quite sure what to say except hello.

13 thoughts on “this is my today

  1. baby baby baby….I want to go to lunch with you. I want to wrap you up until it is all better. You are on my heart and my mind.

  2. I never knew all you went through as a child. I remember you from grade school but i moved away and came back we were in different “cliques”. I guess I look at you differently than i did then. Not because of what i just read but because I dont see you as that girl thats looks down on me. I guess we all deal with our emotional and physical pains differently. you are a beautiful soul Ms. Rachel and im glad i read this blog and the story of your ma. take care.

  3. There are so many things that we never get to know–I found this out after my mom took her life in a very final kind of way in 2007. No wisdom to share with you but more solidarity in that walk that only you know. The great thing about being alive right now is that we’re not alone. I love you, Thom.

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