I'd apologize for not writing, but its taken me a while to figure out what to say, and how I could stay truthful to me, and to you, and to not become totally vulnerable out here, naked on the inter-webs, all emotionally exposed. Its taken me a while to figure out how to come out.
No, not that kind of coming out–that would be posted on the other blog anyway. That's already been done a long, long time ago. No, now I am coming out about something else. Its been with me for a very long time, I have run… and run… and run from it, but well wouldn't you know it, I can't run any more. I am tired, I am sore, I am sick and I am tired. And I am depressed.
Clinically depressed actually. Onset as a young person, 12 is when I was first diagnosed. I feel like it has been with me all of my life, mostly lurking in the shadows, mostly manageable with positive thinking (or so I told myself), praying to my boyfriend Jesus (who always answers prayer), and perhaps some other (I won't even get into them) unhealthy diversions. Occasionally it would flair up and knock me down–mostly brought on by understandable events or a bad monthly visit from Aunite you-know-who-red-friend-annoying-pants. But now it is kicking my ass, dragging me kicking and screaming into the dark corners of ugly bits and parts of me, the hard places that I have avoided or have learned how to survive in because I had to. Now, the survival techniques are no longer working.
Like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, at the opera, with her opera glasses flailing I say "these are broken, mine are broken!" These old patterns, these old glasses, are not serving me any longer. I have hit what appears to be bottom (G-d, please let this be bottom).
Today I went looking for a card for dear friends who are moving away. I went to my favorite little shop that always seems to have exactly the right card, CorAzoN. Browsing, I found this paperweight, and thought to myself "Yes. I that can be me." I am ready to make this come true–living a better me, joy filled, healthy, and better equipped to deal with depression, perhaps even free from it. Who knows. Possibility abounds.
Amen. I am ready, I have hope, I have friends, I have faith, I have me. And that is a good place to start.