Its been a few weeks now since coming out here about my depression. I have taken some time and space from my daily habits and work life and have dedicated myself to the ultimate project–me.
It ain't easy. I can be one tough-pain-in-the-ass patient. Ornery, cranky, impatient one day and a big ol' hot mess of mush and insecurity the next. But each day that comes I am grateful for the gift and good work that this place is.
Depression is not a road to go alone, so a few notes for you, and me (my memory is really shit, so this writing thing helps), about who is in this journey with me and how its going. Back to the snapshot I've chosen to find the words to. If a picture paints a thousand words, than what is this one saying? Who is in this photo?
- Jesus. G-d. The Holy Spirit Herself. These are my most present companions. No, I am not kidding. We have been talking a lot about who I am, and trying to deconstruct some old ideas about the economy of love and a persons intrinsic value, mine and others. We talk about the commandments, about lying, cheating, coveting and withholding, and about worrying and growing and their relationship to each-other. Its a strange relationship, me and the Holy 3. But for now, its working.
- So the ring that has the image of Jesus was just given to me by a very good friend and new roommate. Holy. What a effin' gift she is. Actually, her friendship, and a whole slew of others (I could name you all one by one, but you know who you are) have recently been quite unbelievable. The kindness–its overwhelming. And appreciated. And not overlooked. And did I mention amazing?
- The bright space behind me is the light coming in, literally and metaphorically. Its interesting to me, what normally might have seemed like just background and white spaces in my landscape and life, are now standing out. Sweetie and I went and saw Rob Bell (recently on his Drops Like Stars tour, lovely and highly recommended) and one item that just stuck out to me was the idea that nothing–NO THING–is wasted in G-d's economy. I love the white, blank, open spaces this time is giving me.
- My wedding rings. Sweetie is quite simply, well living up to the marriage vows. In sickness and in health indeed. She is patient, and kind, not rude and always on the other end of a hug. I am so grateful for you my beloved, my best friend, my love.
- My fist. Recently my acupuncturist is always reminding me to loosen my jaw, take a breath, let go of my grip, inhale and breeeeeee-athe. Sweetie has also taken to pointing out lately, she'll just tap my hand, and grin at me sideways, my hand all clinched up, in a fist, with my thumb tucked in–ready to take or give one of lifes punches I suppose. The other day a (bloggy/facebook/super beautiful) friend posted an image that is now stuck with me. An open palm, with an acorn–life ready to be planted, watered and loved. Working on going from a fist-ready-to-punch to an open palm, ready to receive, work and love. Love it.
- Me. Yes, I am in there too. Thats me in the picture, and some days that is even me in the spotlight, losing my religion. I am here–now trying to be fully present in right now, not yesterday, last week, or tomorrow, just now.
That's what I see–what about you, what do you see?