Been thinking a lot about if I would post this, and if I did, how I would say what I want to say. Finally after trying to be careful and proper and witty and all the shit that I always hope I am when I write–I am just saying it like it is, putting it out there for the world–and me–to see. Here is your warning: this post is about my health, and it will have to do with the fact that I am a woman. Think about it …(yes, stop and think)… and stop reading if this might make you squeemish or a jerk. This post is extremely personal and revealing. You have been warned.
Quick recap: Depressed. Seeing a bunch of people to help me get through it. Following lots of advice of said people and that has led me to this next leg of the journey towards wellness. Literally, there is almost nothing I won't do to feel better, and to ensure a whole new way of being better in the future. So, upon recommendation of one of my doctors, and because it is riddled with big-ass fibroids, I am saying goodbye to my uterus at 8:30 am tomorrow, September 15, 2009. Hysterectomy, I say bring it on.
A number of years ago I read a book by Caroline Myss, Anatomy of the Spirit. It was the first time I can remember learning about the connection between physical health and emotional/spiritual health. And now, years later, I think I am finally starting to get how it is all connected for me, and with this surgery–I am letting go, both physically and emotionally to some of my scars and starting over. Here is some of what I would like to say goodbye to. Will you help me say goodbye too?
I am saying goodbye to:
- Periods. Holy shit do I hate them. I know, I can't think of one woman who loves them, but I am telling you, mine are particularly awful. Painful and well, gross. Can't wait to be done with this part of my uterus story.
- As much as I can, I want to say goodbye to my story of the 10 year history of abuse. Done. Letting the pain and hurt, the wondering if I am crazy, and the shame be removed along with my uterus.
- Turning off the tapes of being called slut, whore, easy and promiscuous. I will not allow myself to carry these words with me into the next phase of life–these words that some tried to give me long ago that never felt like mine in the first place. And these words will never be a part of my vocabulary, at all, ever.
- Living outside of my body. I am intentionally trying to tell my body that it is safe, and ok to actually feeeeeeeeeel. I know, sounds ridiculous right? But can you imagine if you lived in a body that kept getting violated and hurt, would you let yourself live in it? Me thinks not. I haven't. Weight gain, depression, high tolerance for stress–all signs and signals that have been trying to reach me for decades. I will begin to listen, and try and coax myself back into my body, my temple, my earthly dwelling place, my home.
- The miscarriage and other pregnancies. Yes–there, I said it. I have had both. I have no children. I will not ever be able to make a baby again, ever. Each pregnancy happened unwillingly. I am not ashamed, nor am I proud, of the choices I have made. But each one is a story that needs to be laid down and let go of.
- Throwing away really cute underpants every month, from the unstoppable blowouts. Cute underpants from now on.
- I will let go of the stories of being fondled as a 6 year old by my babysitter. And,
- by a stranger who locked my only hope for help in a bathroom while he raped me, in a foreign city, in an unfamiliar place, alone, on a rooftop. And
- by a friend. Instead of saying no, I pretended to be asleep. Too afraid to stop it from happening, I just let it happen. And never quite forgave myself for it.
I am allowing myself to be out here, prayed for. I am allowing G-d to do what G-d does–resurrects, heals, restores and works miracles. I believe that G-d can and will do a miraculous thing in me. I believe that in removing pain, and the place my body has remembered the pain, that this body can be healed, and yes, in Jesus name I am asking for it. In allowing myself to say this out loud, perhaps I can finally lay this stuff all down. And I will, with G-d's help. And yours.