I am in a program based on the book The Chemistry of Joy, by Dr. Henry Emmons. The program is called Resilience Training and it is meant to help me in my journey, intention and desire to somehow learn to live differently with depression. I am thrilled I am in the program, and feel quite hopeful, for the first time perhaps, of what may come. Each week I will have homework, which I hope to post here, and this post is this weeks homework. I have done some reading, and am now to reflect on the question "What's not wrong?"
So, the first example from my reading today I think is a helpful one. It says "Think about having a toothache. When you have a toothache, it's like being enlightened. You know that not having a toothache is a wonderful thing. But when you don't have a toothache, you don't enjoy it."
What's not wrong?
- I just spent the last 5 days or so at a conference (THE conference of the year in my opinion really, look for more reflections on this, soon, on the other blog), with some of the most wonderful people. I was helpful, my role was needed, I loved what I got to do (chauffeur people around and generally be helpful and pleasant), I met some of the most amazing people, and I laughed. There was not one thing wrong about this past weekend. I think I will be drawing on these memories, people, words, images and hugs for a long time to come.
- I am healing well. My body is recovering quite well from surgery. My scars are small and wicked cool. Not having my period–well–its exactly the bliss I thought it would be. WOW. Now there is something that is NOT there. My uterus. And I am not taking it for granted that it is not there. I fully know that it is not there. And I am so grateful.
- My beloved loves me, unconditionally. She is patient and kind, not jealous, conceited or proud. She teaches me much about kindness, grace, joy, and love. This is most certainly what is not wrong.
What else is not wrong? A lot. My list could go on and on. Of course I could continue to worry about what IS wrong, but that has gotten my quite literally no-where for a long time. When something is not going right, we THINK we have to ask why, what has gone wrong. But this is faulty logic, focusing on what is wrong, in my experience, has only fueled the tears, drawn me ever deeper into the swirling madness of trying to figure out something–that perhaps is not able to be figured out, has only intensified my own feelings of lack, anger, mis-trust, mis-understanding, mis-______.
Instead, I am going to pick up the practice of trying to be in touch with what is right. Even if the only thing that I can see and feel that is right is my breath, I will focus on it. Breathing in, and out, just grateful for what is, from one moment until the next, until the anxiety passes, the tears recede, and my fear–quiets and submits to the hush of each … breath … in … and out.