one world: a bisexuals view

Week 3 in this little series “all you wanted to know about (this) bisexual aka the Open Forum” This weeks question?

As identifying bisexual, do you feel more accepted in the straight world or gay world? Why?

On face value I want to answer the question by simply saying: neither.

For many bisexuals, we are not accepted in the straight world–well because we aren’t, straight that is. We can surely pass as straight, just as surely as we can pass as queer; it all depends the gender of our relationship at the time. As for acceptance, I have often felt like an outsider in my own land, both “worlds” as you put it, tend to prefer hard and fast lines of right and wrong, distinctive understandings of what it means to be straight, or gay. But friend, here is the truth about what I have come to believe: No one will accept me, if I don’t first accept myself.

But I want to see if I can pose the question in another way. What if we asked: Identifying bisexual, do you feel more accepted at home in the straight world or gay world? Why?

I feel completely at home in both–because I no longer choose to see a distinction between the two. We are all related—Mitakuye Oyasin—and if I keep up or perpetuate the false dichotomy that there are worlds between cultures, we can never truly be ONE WORLD, interconnected, related.

A quick story: A while ago my partner and I were in church. I don’t know what happened—a particular moment, story, prayer, who knows but as we often do, we held each others hand. A friend sent me a note later saying he was glad to see we felt comfortable enough to do that. It made him smile.

The thing is, we hold hands (or smile across a room, or gush about the each other when we are not in each others company) not because we are trying to make some sort of a “we’re-here-we’re-queer” statement. We do it because that is what we do. That is what love looks like for us. Its what makes sense for us. We are blessed enough to live in a place where we won’t get killed for that sort of behavior.

Now, this is not to say that I don’t see the obvious communities that exist for sub-groups of culture and community. I do. And—I love the ones I am connected to. I mean, can you believe it is only 124 days till Pride weekend in the Twin Cities! Eeeek! It is one of my MOST favorite weekends, because it is a time to be with “my people”—a big fat queer weekend generally resembling an overblown family reunion, where my weird Aunt Madge gets a little drunk and inappropriate. But I digress…

Where do I feel most at home, accepted? In my own body, with my people—queer and straight, with my family, and most of all, with my beloved.

Next week:

Do you have two partners? Or simply attracted to both sexes?…I have always found it a bit confusing when someone married identifies themselves as bisexual. Is it just attraction or 2 actual relationships going on?


11 thoughts on “one world: a bisexuals view

  1. 🙂 right now my brain is a little fried so I’m going with this, I love you friend. I’m so glad that you put yourself out there to answer questions. I almost want to put out the same challenge on my blog in some ways. we’ll see. you inspire me to continue to be real and open.

  2. it is interesting this is the topic for this week. i shall have to catch up with the others in the series. my beloved and i were just discussing this. i have struggled with where i fit in this world. this is my first experience with a woman, so it has caused me to really think about how i approach relationships and where I fit into this. i know when we first got together, i was really offended by others trying to place a label on me. i didnt like it, nor do i still. that being said, i do realize the necessity of identifying with who you are as a person, sans boxes. one of my friends helped to cement my soul searching quite nicely and in discussing that with my beloved yesterday, she stated that is a very ‘bi’ way of thinking. i had not placed that identification on it yet. i simply said i love who i love. period. what does anything else matter? sorry i digress… back to how it was phrased that helped cement the identification for me… my friend said i was the rare type that needed to be stimulated mentally, spiritually and emotionally (no that isnt different from what i would hope most want) and that gender was of no consequence to said attraction. when i said that to my beloved, she said that is very ‘bi’… so in all this, i guess that is where i am comfortable. right now i am in a lesbian relationship and cannot see beyond this relationship. hopefully i wont ever have to do so. but if i ever do, i think that is what is important to me.

    i realize this isnt exactly the question asked, but it is where i am at this point in time. and i am comfortable with that.

    excellent writ and i cant wait to go back and read the others.


  3. I love you too Jules. If you open yourself up–I will be there to walk with you. However, you are already in a fragile place right now friend. So be careful is all. Thanks for this question.

  4. HAHAHA!!! i just realized what blonde incognito is when put into initials… you are one smart cookie rach! that is too funny *giggling uncontrolably*

  5. I really love your approach to this question and could not agree more that no-one will accept you unless you accept yourself.

    Perhaps because I am bisexual but my partner of many years is of my opposite gender, I do not really feel at home in either community and a large part of that is lack of acceptance in both. Of course, many wonderful individuals of every orientation do accept me just as me. However, I have been called a traitor, confused and everything in between too often in the established gay and lesbian communities and am constantly wary and probably defensive. On the other hand the “us and them” mentality by which most conversation in the straight world assumes GLBT people are other and their issues only affect someone else irks me and makes me uncomfortable. Many straight people also tend to be suspicious of my openness and either assume I am not monogamous or believe my partner should be insulted by my failure to ID exclusively as straight (luckily my partner has no such hang ups!) Strange since I’m sure straight people would not like me analysing the meaning of their past relationships.

    Luckily, the world is moving forward and you are doing a great job here of helping with that!

  6. My heart breaks for your words souciante. I have really and truly been in those shoes. Sounds like you have a lovely partner whos love is expansive and lovely. SO grateful for your voice here.

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  8. This topic is a bit hard for me. I never had a serious female partner. Before I had the chance to, I fell in love in with an old friend who happens to be a male and we got married. I still consider myself to be bi but I would not pursue any other person, female or male, because I am a one-person type of lover. I still get attracted to females, but I live a straight life. I am open when asked about my sexuality, but I generally do not share that part of myself with others. I dislike the stereotype that all bi womyn are promiscuous or do threesomes with their male partners. I love who I love, but sometimes I feel like I am not being true to myself or feel like I should stop thinking of myself as bi-sexual.

  9. BNB:
    Welcome! I am that same type of person–one-person lover that is. I think you said it best, you love who you love. Its all labels, and where we feel connected to at some unexplainable, gut level. You know who you are. Let the rest just be. (heart)

  10. Well said!

    I like, well, I appreciate this: “No one will accept me, if I don’t first accept myself.” However it can be so hard though sometimes. I dunno why it is the case that sometimes self-hatred is easier but in its way it is. Self-hatred can be powerfully destructive, even as self-acceptance can be powerful good. So, one fights for self-acceptance and love.

    I am glad to know you.

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