same as it ever was, same as it ever was

Mom,

Another year inches towards mother’s day, and you know what? I feel ready. Ok, maybe not ready, but settled in. You have been gone now for 12 years. As of Monday, we will have known that fact for 6 years. I don’t know if it was because 2010 was the year of loss (your mom, my dad) but I think I finally get it.

Everyone dies. I am not alone in my grief. I am not unique or special in this way AT ALL.

Some of my most strong memories were as a kid, ’round about the age I got social—maybe 4th grade or so—you used to tell me I was such a drama queen (oh if you only knew). You used to tell me I made such a big production out of the smallest things. I thought I was the only one who had endured my pain: my very specific hurts and heartaches. You know what mom? I WAS the only one. And also, you were right. It did not make me any more special or give me any more reason to be given attention. What I never learned, until recently I guess, is that like Michael Stipe says “everybody hurts, sometimes.” No no no, I’m not alone.

I am sorry you aren’t around to see me finally learn what you tried to impart all those years ago. But don’t worry, I still attribute you for these lessons. I always will. I love you, and miss you more than I can possibly say.

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2 thoughts on “same as it ever was, same as it ever was

  1. Rachel, you have a special gift of “wordsmithing” with emotional impact and yet logic. I thank you for the insights into your life that you have discovered because they have helped me grow in my own way. May you always continue to grow, learn and discover the wonders of life midst the trials of life. Eleanor Roosevelt, one of my favorite female celebrities said it best when she said that today is the present and that’s a gift. I know I didn’t quote directly but I’m quite certain she wouldn’t mind.

  2. You learn, you write about it, you teach us all. I love you so and I will always use my wishes to wish that I could meet the woman who brought you into this world.

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