“I have already been a mother in this lifetime” I tell people when they ask if sweetie and I are having kids. Then kind, well meaning people have said things like “but you’d be so GOOD at it, are you sure you won’t adopt or foster or something someday? I mean, you haven’t totally ruled it out totally, have you?”
I have, totally. I always have. I admit it: I have never wanted to be a mother. (OK, I thought I could with this one guy—but I totally blame the Irish accent, a few pints of Guinness and he was “in the band”—you know the type.)
I never fantasized—like other girls—by putting pillows in my nightshirts and standing sideways in the mirror, trying on what being pregnant would look like. I played with dollies, but mine never peed themselves, cried, or needed feeding. Come to think of it, most of my dollies were big chested, long legged hot Barbies that had rockin’ outfits and some serious bad ass hair-dos.
Do you know why I never wanted to be a mom? Because it is hard fucking work. It is a tireless, thankless, never ending gig that pays nothing, asks everything and quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. I believe, like marriage, its not anything to take lightly. I know, I know, there are LOTS of people who aren’t ready for it, and they take the blessing bestowed upon them and become more than they ever thought possible (I know and love a few of these moms). But sometimes, it goes disastrously wrong.
Now stop for a second, and think about all those people you know or see, in the grocery store, mall or on Sundays at the family dinner table, that didn’t want to be mothers. But they did, and are, and deep down in those dark icky places, we wish they weren’t. “They aren’t ready” we think while they are smacking the kids bottom (or worse, face) for just being a kid, doing kid things. We try not to stare as we judge under our breath “how on earth can those kids live on hot dogs, red hot cheesy fries and mountain dew from the gas station?” If you aren’t familiar with this scene, you are not paying attention.
I am not a mom. But, I am a mothering person. I have help raise a few young people who have turned out to be the best dad and smartest kid sister anyone could ever know. I have loved family that aren’t my own, I have taken in many a kitten, puppy, turtle and baby queer. I have known all my life that I was born to love, but not be a mom.
So this mothers day, I want to raise a glass, to all of us non-traditional mothers and mother lovers. We may look like a cute three-legged dog to some, but to me we are the brave, the beautiful, the barren and bold. Happy mothers day, damn it.