learning to walk on water

I’ve never been more relieved to have a date come and go than I have for August 1, 2011. What a gigantic tear there is in this life since my father—Philip Swan—has left.

Sunday we gathered, his friends and loved ones, to remember the life and mark the day he was still among us. While I am grateful for the event, the gaping hole was obvious, the glue that held us was gone. It felt as if our chief storyteller was waiting on US to fill his shoes—and the truth is—no one can.

People often say we should celebrate (or laugh, or eat, or live) because that is what the departed would have wanted. But honestly, I don’t know what he would have wanted—for me, for all of us. I don’t know if it is what we look like now. I imagine he is a little like Jesus at the side of the boat, laughing, saying “oh ye of little faith” watching us all try to walk on water like he always did. I need more time with the master.

We spread some of his ashes into the lake, just off the dock—one of his favorite places on earth—yesterday. Des spoke with him and spread the dust; I found myself clinging to each moment as it clicked by … birds singing their timeless song, me drinking in each Kodachrome frame.

I still feel lost without him. A year is like a moment. I don’t know yet how to feel or what to make of life unfolding without him, but I trust I am not the only one.

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4 thoughts on “learning to walk on water

  1. For me, it’s been 3 1/2 years, and I also, still, don’t know how to feel or how to understand life without Dad. But the picture you paint with your words is one of beauty, with the loss woven right into it. Thanks for sharing this with us, my friend. Love you.

  2. I read this on Sunday and it struck me as something your dad might say or believe. It soothed me: “Death” is a matter of closing one’s eyes in this dimension and literally opening one’s eyes in the other dimension. And that, truly, is how all death is, no matter how it looks up to that point. The re-emergence into Source Energy is always a delightful thing. (Abraham-Hicks).

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