Q&A the B: questions for a bisexual

Every once in a while a brave friend dares to ask me a pretty direct question about my identity as a bisexual. And I’ll let you in on a secret—I like it when people do. I thought for the next little while I might do a little Q&A like I did before, and write about some questions that have been asked of me.


If you are bisexual, how do you satisfy your longings in a relationship that only one desire is fulfilled? Since the two of you wed, have you given up the fact that you will ever be fulfilled by a man?


I have come to believe there are all sorts of bisexuals in the world. I am one kind, and trust me—do a google search—there are plenty of others. I am a monogamous bisexual. I have never had a longing for both male and female intimacy concurrently. I have longed for intimacy, period. I have cheated on one partner of one gender, with another gender person, but that was just cheating, and avoiding hard conversations by having sex and looking for greener grass (horrible ugly truth).
The fact that I am attracted to both / any gender is I think the distinguishing factor in my bisexuality. I know that I am different from many bisexuals. For some, its a delicate negotiation of asking for non-monogamy and open relationships. For some, it is a secret that is hidden from the primary relationship. For some, it is never discovered, and is only lived out through fantasy or in their minds eye. And for some, it is polyamory, and the list goes on and on.
You ask if I have “given up” being fulfilled by a man. The truth is I don’t ever wake up longing for a penis, or a vagina for that matter. If I were to miss anything—which I don’t—I’d miss the big strong all encompassing hugs, the smell of my former partners big hairy chest, and other aspects of a former partners that I loved about them specifically—not about their sex or gender. I fall in love with people, not their gender or sexual identity.
Simply put: I just don’t miss the other gender in my marriage. I love my partner dearly, she is my beloved, the love of my life, my spouse, the one I tell all my secrets to, the one I hope to die with. If my beloved were to die before me, and somehow I found my way to being able to consider intimacy again, I am not sure if the future partner would be male or female. I only know they would have HUGE shoes to fill.

8 thoughts on “Q&A the B: questions for a bisexual

  1. I am so inspired by you each time I read your blog. You have come to a point in your life that is just happy to be who you are. I am working on that. I just wanted to say I like this Rachel.

  2. I’ve missed talking to you, fellow bi Rachel! I just came out of a relationship where I wasn’t free to openly be me because of his and his family’s misconceptions about my sexuality. Thank you for wording this so beautifully. I love you and your heart. Sending prayers for blessings to you and yours. 🙂

  3. Beautifully written. Call me naive but I guess I just assumed what you wrote and described about yourself was what being a bi-sexual person meant. Never thought about the potential longings some may have. I guess for myself I, like you, fall in love with the person, not the features. Yes, I am straight but I have dated and been attracted to and loved men who are dark, light, tall, short, skinny, fat, muscular, deaf, handicapped and a plethera of mix and matches inbetween. I say my ideal is tall, dark and handome yet both husbands have been blond and blue. For me, when my soul is filled, there is no need to look elsewhere. Not because of the things my spouse does not have, but because of what they do.

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